For most couples, infidelity is something that can derail the relationship. The betrayal created by such an act can destroy the foundation of trust between you, creating a rift that can sometimes be impossible to mend.
However, while infidelity is usually seen as a physical act between a spouse and someone else, what about when your significant other is cheating on you with porn?
These days, pornography is far more accessible than ever, which means that couples everywhere are struggling to deal with the effects of it. Unfortunately, because of its prevalence and ubiquity, the act of watching porn has become normalized by a lot of people.
If your spouse is one of them, then it can seem like a bizarre situation when you have to confront him about his habits. After all, if watching porn is “no big deal,” then how can you get him to stop?
Today we want to share some insight into this growing problem and show you how to confront your spouse about it. Porn viewing can quickly devolve into an addiction, which means that not only do you have to deal with the betrayal of it, but the road to recovery can be much more challenging than both of you may realize.
Step One: Articulate Your Feelings
Before you decide to confront your husband about his online activity, the first thing you should do is determine why it’s such a problem for you. If you approach the subject without a clear objective or understanding of how it’s affecting you, then getting him to realize why it’s such a problem can be more than a little challenging.
Yes, knowing that he watches porn bothers you and can be a betrayal of your relationship, but it’s imperative that you get him to see that. Otherwise, you’re going to be facing an uphill battle without any clear endgame.
When thinking about how to formulate your thoughts, consider the real effects that porn addiction can have on a relationship.
Sexual Impotence
For many porn addicts, intimacy has been hijacked by explicit imagery and videos. Thus, when it comes time to experience the real thing, most addicts aren’t up to the challenge. On top of the act of porn watching itself, this can strain your love life and create a divide between you.
Shame and Guilt
One of the primary dangers of normalizing porn is that it removes a lot of the shame and guilt that comes from watching it. However, that doesn’t mean that you’re immune to these feelings. He may not see the issue with it, but you can feel disgust and self-doubt along with the shock of sexual betrayal.
For many spouses of porn addicts, these emotions usually stem from the fact that your significant other is deriving sexual pleasure from something else besides you. Thus, it can feel like you can’t compete with the sexualized images, creating strong emotions of self-loathing and depression. The shame and guilt usually associated with porn watching is now your burden to bear.
Inattentiveness
Another primary side effect of porn addiction is that your husband won’t show you the same amount of love and affection as before. Because he’s focusing on explicit images more and more, his feelings for you can start to wane. Over time, it can seem like he’s putting more time and effort into his porn habits than his relationship with you.
Step Two: Don’t Be Aggressive
When you finally confront your spouse about his habits, it can be natural to let your anger and frustration take hold. However, because the goal should be to get him to stop completely, it’s imperative that you offer support on his path to recovery. Porn addiction is a potent drug, which means that most addicts will struggle to overcome it.
Overall, when talking to your husband, the goal should be to convince him that his actions are hurting you and your relationship. Once he recognizes the pain he’s causing he should want to make a change.
One thing you have to remember is that the only person who can convince your spouse that recovery is necessary is him. Until he gets on board with the idea, anything you do will be inconsequential.
This is why it’s so imperative to avoid alienating him too much. While you do need to get validation for the pain and suffering you feel, unleashing your anger and frustration will only cause him to get defensive and reject the idea that he has to stop.
Get Outside Help for Recovery
Hopefully, your conversation should stimulate a change in your spouse’s behavior. Once he understands that his actions have consequences, he should decide that recovery is the best option.
Unfortunately, you can’t be the one policing his activity. Because you’re the one he’s hurting by doing it, it can create conflict if and when he relapses. As with any addiction, porn can have a powerful hold on a person, meaning that there will be times when the temptation is too great. If that happens, he will probably feel too guilty to admit it to you, which means that he will have to go back to hiding his activity from you.
Thus, you should try to seek assistance from an impartial third party. It should be someone you both trust and who can serve as a guide for your husband’s recovery. While we would love to say that he can do it on is own, that’s not how addiction works. It will take the support and commitment from multiple people to ensure that he stays on the right path for the long term.
