If you’re getting ready to marry the girl of your dreams, a lot of things come with the territory. Before you say “I do,” it’s imperative that you open up and share everything you can about yourself. If you are asking her to commit to you fully, then you can’t be hiding any secrets.
For those suffering from porn addiction, their secrets can seem quite shameful and off-putting. How will she feel about you once she finds out? Will it put your marriage at risk? These are significant questions that must be answered, and we’re here to help you navigate through this difficult time.
Talking to your fiance about your porn addiction will be challenging, but it’s necessary if you want your marriage to start on the right foundation. Here are some things to consider when deciding when and how to break the news.
Don’t Try to Hide it From Her – Even if it’s in the Past
First and foremost, we can’t stress enough that your addiction has to be addressed. If you try to keep it from her, it will only be a matter of time before she finds out. You may think “she doesn’t have to know, I’ll deal with it on my own.” However, this is a huge mistake.
It can be tempting to omit this detail, especially if you have already dealt with the problem. However, as with all addictions, there is always a chance of relapse. Because of this, you can’t wait until the issue flares up again before sharing the information about your addiction.
Be Open and Honest
While you don’t have to get into graphic detail about what you’ve been doing, you have to present the whole truth. Many times, we choose to make things sound better than they are so that we aren’t judged as harshly. However, if she loves you, then judgment shouldn’t be part of the experience.
When talking about your addiction, tell her about the problem – what drives it, how it affects your life, and what it means to you. The more you can share about it and the more open you are about it, the likelier she is to understand it.
We know that you will worry about her reaction. However, usually the response is negative because you either a) kept it from her, b) didn’t explain it entirely, or c) didn’t promise a change in behavior. That last part brings us to our next section.
Commit Yourself to Her and Your Recovery
Talking about your addiction is meaningless if you’re going to continue to do it. If that’s the case, then all you’re doing is asking for her to approve of your habits, which will almost certainly not happen.
Thus, when explaining your situation, it’s crucial that you promise her that you are seeking recovery. Tell her that your commitment to her includes beating the addiction so that you can share your lives together in harmony.
The other side of making this promise is talking about how you are going to follow through. Statement of intent is not the same as doing it, so you have to figure out a solution that is agreeable to both of you.
Ask her for guidance. Doing this will not only show that you’re trying to make a change, but it will help involve her in the recovery process (more on this later). If she’s willing to help you beat your addiction, it will serve to strengthen your relationship and make your marriage that much more resilient.
Include Her in Your Recovery
In some cases, your fiance may be uncomfortable talking about the details of your addiction. However, that doesn’t mean that you can involve her in your progress. Simply making a note of how long it’s been since your last episode can remind her that you’re recovering without engaging in sordid details.
One thing that you want to avoid, however, is making her your source of accountability. In this instance, there is a significant conflict of interest. If you relapse, she’s the one you’re hurting, so it will make it much more difficult to tell her about it. Instead, you will likely be tempted to lie.
To that end, whomever you get to help you stay accountable should be an unbiased mediator. If it’s one of her friends or family members, there’s a chance that your temporary falling could get back to her, which can complicate the recovery process.
So how do you keep her involved? By providing updates and checking in with her regularly. Tell her about times that you felt tempted and share how you overcame them. By sharing your struggles and your triumphs, you can lighten your burden substantially. It will also show her that you care about her thoughts and feelings, which will continue to strengthen your marriage.
Bottom Line
When it comes to porn addiction and recovery, it’s critical that your fiance is aware of the situation. You don’t want to build your marriage on a foundation of lies or shame, so do the right thing and talk to her about it as soon as possible.
