I sat down in my room after watching pornography and I started crying. I felt spiritually sick as I didn’t feel like waking up for fajr. I was a sinner and I wondered how I could be forgiven. But I just couldn’t stop this dirty habit!
“What was wrong with me?” I thought to myself, “Why did I do it again?”
While sitting down, I thought to myself: I am in my twenties, I’m a graduate, I’m a professional, I want to get married, I want be an honest and a clean person with all the people I interact with, especially for my future spouse.
I would always feel so emotionally sick afterwards because my body felt drained from all the hours that I wasted in front of the computer, when I could have been doing my Arabic homework. As a result, I never completed my homework and I fell behind in lessons and I felt embarrassed in front of my teacher and peers.
I would somehow convince myself every single time that I will never ever do this again. But these broken promises continued.
I was fed up of living a double life. I thought to myself, I cannot live a double life anymore. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I want to be able to stand in prayer and live my life with true happiness that comes from the heart.
From that moment on, I decided to join the Purify Your Gaze Program. Joining the program was the biggest relief for me in my life, because it was a wakeup call that I must change.
I decided that I wanted to lead a life free of dichotomy, which for me this meant to stop living two lives that oppose each other; one where I was a different person outside the home and a different person when I was in my private space.
Here are three ways that the Purify Your Gaze Program brought relief into my life:
- I was socially isolated. Purify Your Gaze gave me a place to belong.
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I always had a sickening feeling effect after acting out sexually.
This feeling ran through my veins and it made me feel numb, which for me meant being depressed and not being able to have the motivation for doing anything and constantly entertaining negative thoughts in my mind.
As a result of this numbness, I slowly became isolated from people.
I didn’t want to be around my own family and friends and I preferred to be hidden away alone in my room. I could never find anyone who I could confide in. Who will understand my issue?
The Purify Your Gaze Program broke my social isolation. Now I want to sit with my family and have dinner with them instead of saying that I’m busy. I always want my friends to come around my house, so we can socialize and have a laugh together.
This, as a result brought relief to me as I am happier than before and I have connection with people.
- The Anonymity Factor.
I was so scared of damaging my reputation by joining the program. Imagine all the people who think of me as a ‘pious’ person; what would happen if they found out about my disgusting habit in my private time?
Previously, if anyone needed a religious question answered, they would always turn to me. My family and friends think that I’m someone who refrains from all sins.
Imagine if I even tried telling my friends, it would actually change their whole perception of me. They would think that I’m a dirty perverted person who had no shame and I cannot be considered a ‘practicing’ Muslim.
The Purify Your Gaze Program was a relief for me as I had that anonymity, where I would not be judged and be able to open up to a person who understood my problem, but someone who wasn’t connected to me in anyway and who I would never have to see face to face.
This was my ideal scenario because everything can be kept online and I could use the programme without anyone ever knowing.
I would finally be able to remove the mask that I was hiding behind and finally be able to open up about my feelings. This had such a major impact on me as I realized that I was not alone and I was not the only one suffering with a pornography problem. There were many Muslims around the world suffering from this and my situation was not unique in anyway.
Now I could actually communicate with people with the same problem as me and discuss this on an open platform without being judged in a negative way.
- I immediately felt understood.
The first time I had heard of Purify Your Gaze was in 2013 and I simply just signed up to the email list to get regular updates. From the email I got my first breakthrough! I remember receiving an email giving me a taster of the Purify Your Gaze Program.
Honestly, the video clips spoke directly to me. I was finally able to understand some of the reasons why it was so hard for me to quit, through an exercise which taught me about the obstacles that were in my path which were preventing me from stopping my pornography habit.
The main thing that was planted inside me was the importance of having the motivation to change, which is an essential ingredient for us, if we want to change our behaviour.
I started to weep after seeing that clip because it summed up my problems in that one clip and the message struck the core of my heart. It finally hit me that there was hope for me to recover and I could break free from these shackles that have held me down for all these years. After this, I joined the Purify Your Gaze Program as an investment for my life.
Although sitting in my room after acting out was very painful, this pain was the beginning of a turning point in my life. It was the biggest blessing for me as I finally saw a ‘light’ that insha’Allah will take me on a path of changing my current behaviour.
If I have gained relief from the Purify Your Gaze Program, then you can also to gain relief from this program. I encourage you to join it, so you can live a life of happiness instead of living a life of misery.