A lot of people want to have an enjoyable sex life at the time of marriage, but they are missing a way to prepare and get trained before marriage. What if I were to tell you that there is a way you can prepare before marriage, without turning to pornography for “education?”
Yes, you heard me correct! Deep down, you may think that pornography is “preparing” you for marriage itself, but that erroneous belief developed for a reason.
Growing up in this society, you have felt the slight pressure of your peers getting “prepared” by being sexually active and having premarital relations without any restrictions. And so you think that they are more trained and therefore more confident with the opposite gender than you are.
The topic of sex makes you feel awkward, and shameful, and deep down you fear that your spouse will reject you because you will not be able to do the “right thing,” and perform well. And if you knew all the “right things,” your spouse would never turn you down.
And so, to gain that confidence, you turn to pornography and other unwanted sexual behaviors.
While these are all legitimate, and well-intentioned thoughts to have, pornography actually does quite the opposite by not preparing you to have an enjoyable sex life after marriage.
Here are four reasons why turning to porn for sexual education before marriage does not work:
1. Rather than preparing you for “better performance” it makes you sexually impotent.
Some of our members mentioned pre-recovery that they had trouble achieving orgasm with their spouse unless they were actively thinking about pornography. Pornography made them impotent and they could not perform sexually. This in of itself destroys your confidence for being unable to satisfy your spouse.
2. Rather than making sex more exciting, it makes it boring.
Sex in the “real world” becomes boring, frustrating and not “exciting enough” compared to the “fantasy of sex”. You start comparing your spouse to the photoshopped images and heavily choreographed videos out there. You find yourself feeling bored with your spouse, and her body.
3. You end up having less sex in your marriage.
Your spouse will sense your emotional distance and this will cause her to lose her confidence and as a result she will close up emotionally and therefore physically.You are stuck in your fantasies that are never ending, and so you start comparing your spouse to others, and this leads to frustration for the both of you. You feel dissatisfied and she feels unloved.
You start to believe that your spouse is not enough and cannot satisfy you because of those tainted expectations, and so you start to resort back to pornography even when you are married.
4. It robs you of the opportunity to connect emotionally and spiritually with your spouse.
When your spouse is nothing more than an object or a vehicle used to simply get you to your orgasmic fix, the human being in her is lost in the process. You are stuck in your mind on your fantasy and actually lose out on being present with her in the moment. This absence robs you of physical joy and also most importantly robs you of an opportunity to deeply connect with your wife at an emotional and spiritual level.
Pornography does not educate you about true intimacy, and what it means to have an enjoyable sex life. It causes more isolation between you and your spouse, instead of that deep, fulfilling and meaningful relationship that you can have with your spouse!
But not all hope is lost. There is still a way you can prepare for marriage in order to have an enjoyable sex life that you want.
Part of what will help you prepare for true sexuality, that shared sexually with your spouse that will be enough for the both of you, is by learning how to relate emotionally, not just to others, but it starts with relating emotionally with yourself.
Through learning how to relate to yourself emotionally first before marriage, you are only setting yourself up for success to having an enjoyable sex life in the future.
What allows for the sexual experience to become a spiritual and a deeply fulfilling experience is not just through the physical enjoyment, while that is a gift given to us by Allah, the greater gift is when we’re able to connect to our spouses with our hearts and souls.
It is not the nakedness of the bodies but the nakedness of the souls to one another, and the connection of the souls to one another that allows it to be a fulfilling and complete experience.
It’s not about the confidence and performance that brings deep and lasting satisfaction and enjoyment. But it is the willingness to be vulnerable and open with yourself, and your spouse, that brings that lasting fulfillment and joy you are seeking.