How To Cope With Feelings Of Loneliness As A Single Muslim

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Amina has been having a very hard time trying to get married. She sees her friends getting married all around her, and the despair of not finding the right spouse is getting exacerbated as she looks through their wedding photos on Facebook. She begins to doubt herself and feels utter frustration with the process.

Many people like Amina face the common challenge that comes along with the marriage process: Either the prospects do not work out or the parents get in the way of the process, or the right prospects are not coming forward.

They also feel sexual desires that are quite natural to have in the process of finding the right mate. However, things becomes problematic when you are unable to cope with the desires and the despair.

To deal with the pain and loneliness, Amina is starting to turn to pornography and masturbation. While she does not have a history of ever accessing these outlets, she was exposed to romantic novels, celebrity culture or watched movies that contained sexual material, all of which increased the longing for a mate.

Amina always found herself wanting more but now it had reached a point where what she read or watched wasn’t enough. And she needed a stronger drug to meet her needs of having a spouse, and it was through these unwanted sexual behaviors.

While she is just a user, the disaster of the situation is that she is walking a very thin line and this path could very well lead to her developing a sex addiction, and very quickly and here’s how:

Amina starts to find comfort in the way she is dealing with her pain. She has found an easy and secretive route to express her desires as well as numb out the pain. She starts spending hours and hours at the late hours of night acting out on her behaviors. She starts to feel a compounded sense of shame and guilt when she realizes that she is unable to stop the sin.

This repeated loss of control and inability to stop are very telling signs of Amina’s developing a sex addiction.

While everyone goes through feelings of frustration and sadness, it’s your ability to deal with the pain and the heartbreak, that helps you get closer to the outcome that you desire.

Here are some important reminders to Amina, and those who are in a similar situation of how to cope in a very wholesome way at this stage of your life:

1. Remember that challenges are a part of life.

There are many different stages in life. In each stage, Allah SWT has set its own challenges and blessings that are meant to be for one reason only, which is for us to grow spiritually, and emotionally.

While marriage will bring you particular new joys and experiences, it will not do away with the fact that you will continually be tested. In fact, marriage will bring its own sets of challenges and difficulties!

What’s important for us is to learn how to cope with the difficulties we face in life, instead of running away from them through various escapisms whether that be pornography, or food or other addictions.

2. Enlist support.

Dealing with these challenges alone can be quite difficult and overwhelming, often leading one to depression and hopelessness.

We all need support, and we thrive on connection. Find a support group, even amongst your friends, where you can openly share your challenges that you are facing in this process. This not only allows you to feel true comfort, but it will serve as a reminder to stay steadfast on the journey as well as support each other in the process, and perhaps open some doors too!

3. Take care of your wellbeing.

Addictive behaviors do not make you feel good about yourself, as we saw in Amina’s case. Through this difficult time, take care of your physical as well as emotional health.

Remember that your worth does not depend on whether or not you are married. You are worthy regardless of what you have, because at the end of the day, you are a slave of Allah.

When you show care and gentleness to yourself as you would to a friend, you are not only able to cope with the pain, but you will find yourself feeling more fulfillment and more joy in your life.

4. Reconnect with Allah.

There may be feelings of despair and wondering why Allah isn’t granting you a spouse right now, which is leading you to further turn away from Him.

Talk to Allah SWT and acknowledge your feelings and frustrations before Him about the process. He knows all of what you’re facing, but He wants to hear from you directly, His slave. And through that, in sha Allah you will find the calmness and tranquility that you are looking for.

As Allah SWT says:

‘Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.’
–Qur’an. (13:28)

At the end of the day, He alone has the power to change your condition. Perhaps the beautiful wisdom in this delay of the process is so that you to come closer to Him. Use this time to draw near to Him.

5. Focus on your own personal growth.

Are there other areas in your life that you can improve on? If you find yourself feeling increasing amounts of unhappiness before marriage, chances are that you won’t be fulfilled by your spouse!

Learn to find joy in life itself! Keep yourself invested in activities that bring you fulfillment, whether that be through hobbies that you have not yet picked up. The more fulfilled you are as a person, the more joy you will bring into your marriage, in sha Allah.

And in sha Allah with these elements, it will be much easier to deal with the delay of timing and the despair you may be feeling, instead of going down to a path of addiction. This shift in attitude can bring a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

At the end of the day, marriage is just a means of getting closer to Allah in our journey back to Him.

  • Ilhaam Foster says:

    Salaam Alaykum Brother Abdullah
    What I think was meant was that if you’re finding it hard and testing while waiting for your spouse and you’re experiencing difficulty… Then you should talk to someone about it. You wouldn’t necessarily divulge the fact that you have sinned, rather speak to friends and/or family about your loneliness… Sometimes the best people to speak to are those that have experience with this sort of situation…so maybe, if you know someone that isn’t married yet or had to wait long for their spouse…just talking it out or getting advice from them would be an excellent tool to use in order to cope that much better…and in shaa Allah give you some strength in order to restrain yourself… And as always, Allah knows Best
    Walaykum Salaam waRaghmatullahi waBarakaatu

  • Lilac says:

    Jazak Allah Khair for this article and having “Amina” instead of “Muhammad” be the main character of the story. I know there are tons of Muslim women (as well as Men) struggling with getting married, including myself. It is nice to see women acknowledged, yet again, here at Purify Your Gaze.

  • abdullah says:

    AssalaamWW. Jzk..im not too sure of point two…arernt we supposed to conceal our sins fron others? Getting therapy from professionals like you is fine ..however sharing such things with friends? ?

  • Aliu says:

    Nice points you’ve pointed out here. I pray Allah have mercy and forgive us all of our shortcomings. May ALLAH reward you.

  • safiyya says:

    JazakAllah beautiful points and pertinent topic
    May Allah jj give us the opportunity to practise and understand
    Ameen
    S

  • isa says:

    Salaam.

    im 29 and I have been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts for the last 10 or so years. I have contemplated ending my life but imaan stops me. I dont enjoy the world. i hate it. i dont believe in love, happiness or relief. i think the only thing to do is to wait this life out with as much patience as you can summon. i feel so broken all the time and desperately dead but all i have is the remembrance of God. thats not going to make my problems go away or give me lasting joy of any kind. its just a way to see out one more day. i wish suicide wasnt prohibited but what can you do? i pray for death this ramadan coz i dont want to turn 30. my 30th birthday will be on eid most likely. life can always be worse but when you live like you’ve already died along time ago its pretty hard to keep on going. anyway i dont care about marriage, kids, wife, love, money or anything. im quite alright just having the clothes on my back as long as i still have islam i’ll keep waiting for my death. truth is there is no happiness in this world..when you realise that..you just wanna leave this place as quickly as possible.

    • Mohamed I. says:

      May Allah Help you Brother..Dont worry..Just think that everyone has a story of their own. Not just you alone in this planet. I mean Muslims. So, be soft with yourself now. Allah knows when to take your soul. Even I have asked the same.. To take me if it is not worth living.. May be some positive is behind the scene which I am not aware of. Allah knows best.

    • Saleh says:

      I recently got 30 and i have had depression for 7 years. I feel exactly like how your feeling. Its hard to explain this feeling. I too wish i would die as soon as possible. Faith is what stopped me from suicide several times when i almost had it. I feel like your a person i can talk to who can understand me since we are almost in the same situation. If suicide was ok then OMG i would have done it long way back. Again as you said, what to do. Its just a matter of living day by day while remembering Allah and hopping to literally die soon. I was already dead long way back, i feel like i am just a thing occupying space in this world, living just for the sake of Allah. In the end we are all slaves of Allah.

      • Sara says:

        Assalamualaikum Brother I know exactly how u feel ,I have been in this situation for a very long time and im still experiencing the same. feel very depress ,suicidal,no hope for anything and living day to day and very lonely
        If only suicide was allowed i would be the 1st one.
        Its beneficial for people who feels like this to have a friend it can make a great difference.
        Allah musta’aan .

    • Asiya Qadri says:

      Salaam brother, Im sorry you feel this way. I know know life can be difficult but I pray Allah (swt) makes it easier for you.

    • Ayesha says:

      Salam Alaikum Brother
      I don’t understand what happen in your life or why you feel this way,but Allah does know and understand!!
      You know as a person I will love to take you for tea or coffee and be your companion for a day so to shows you the beauty of this life as me personally having my ups and downs still I am grateful to Allah for my life as our life is a loan we have from our maker which should be treated very well with wisdom and care as one day we have to return it with full report of how we treat it…
      Allah make that clear when says
      “Who ever forgot about me I will make them forgot about them selfs”
      Don’t be foolish with saying I like just for Allah by in same way saying I don’t wanna live at all … you can’t ask for death as you are not a keeper of your
      time clearly instead of going over your own self study-learn and give back what you’ve learned to else people’s who need it
      Life as a humans is a choice we make but we don’t remember we have been asked by Allah and we choose -Now you chosen to be a person living,walking,talking,loving &falling, who will always stand back and try again over and over till the end so why such a mess and confusions? Look around yourself brothers &a sisters dying under the hands of oppression, watching their Childers in pain ,fear and hunger -BUT LET ME TELL YOU DEAR BROTHER
      They raise their hands and praises Allah with -AL HAMDU LILLAH Y RAB AL HAMDU LILLAH
      If they can see the wisdom behind it why can’t you in your peaceful state find the peace inside you???? Think about it and smile as it’s Sunnah + makes you even more beautiful than you already ARE!!
      Love ❤️ & Peace

      • Hamza says:

        As salam alaikum sister. I read what you said. And I believe pray five times a day 99% of the time. Follow and act on many sunnahs. But I still feell dead. Alot of brothers in the masaajids are not welcoming and many times seem like automatons. Almost robotic with hardly any brotherhood. I am a revert and pleased with islam as my religion and that Allah is our creator and prophet Muhammad(saw) is the seal of the prophets. The filthy racism I have experienced especially from many muslims is disgusting. I am leaving in a predominately muslim asian area here in britain called birmingham. And I might as well be a zombie living dead according how I feel completely abandoned. Many sisters over the years wanted to marry me. But their insecure racist pakistani and bengladeshi fathers and brothers so no way.Even though I had a job and im educated and islamic. Now I cant work due to random black outs. I have lost interest in marriage and trust for people. The ulama I hold dear and all the ummah except the ahlul bid’ah who spread their innovated lies and mix it with cultural blind following.Give me a break. Placing ethnicity before others is overiding the fact takwah should be highly sought after in a future spouse. May Allah protect you and family. I dont see anyone anymore humanity has put me off. And even worse many muslims have put me off going to the masjids.smh. I have hit the wall face first and brotherhood here is so fickle and superficial like candy floss

        • Muhamed says:

          Assalamulikum brother, I am sorry to hear about your struggles. I too am a revert, just the very fact that allah guided us to the straight path should be enough to make us happy for whole life time but as allah says son of adam is never satisfied. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you feel betrayed and abandoned by our brothers and sisters in the mosque. I never used to go to mosque but recently I started to go for jumma prayer however the muslim community is not as strong as it once was the whole point of going to the mosque is to get to know your brothers and sisters in islam but that is unfortunately not the case anymore it just makes you feel isolated. Please have faith brother I will pray for you .

  • Regina says:

    I’m a convert and have been struggling with loneliness. I find some of the younger sisters at my mosque to be snobbish and many people don’t want to help newcomers. I want to wait to look for a husband until I memorize salah and Quran and build a strong connection with Allah. My deadline is 3 months before I start searching. But in the meantime I’m trying to avoid reading erotica and watching porn which have in the past been sexual outlets. This gets worse on my menses because I can’t pray salah or read Quran. Many single women feel isolated due to work, school, or not having a lot of friends.

    • Farisha says:

      Salam Regina 🙂
      May Allah swt make your search easy for you. I’m a fellow muslim sister of yours, and please contact me if you’d like. I’ll be very pleased to be of any help to a new revert sister, even if it’s just to hang out!
      Take care x

  • Faraz Hussain says:

    May Allah reward you. I really glad to ready this article, you have raised important points which we need to recover it.

  • Tony says:

    Tony is not my real name. Just keeping my identity undercover. I am a born-Muslim from a Brown North-Indian family raised up in Canada. Did a degree in Electrical Engineering from Canada but working with Staffing Agency on general labour jobs. I feel god has never really helped me, when all I ask is a decent job that is related to engineering instead I am stuck doing general labour work. Getting an entry level engineering job is so hard in Canada. Also I tried to find a beautiful muslimah lady online on singlemuslim.com or muslimah.com but I got rejected by all local Canadian and American Muslimahs. Seriously there were many times when I was tempted to call an escort because the frustration of loneliness is getting high. I wish I had a Muslimah in my life whom I can share my struggles with and love her in a halal way, unfortunately most Muslimahs are selfish only want a brother who is settled with high paying white collar job.

  • shah says:

    Assalamu alaikum,
    Its easy to say and read out about all these, but at other hand, it is us who have to control our Nafs against evil desires. And that is the most difficult and challenging.
    And that is what demanded from us by Allah SWT.
    Take this evil desire as a challenge and ask Allah to help you out. Every time, If you turned down this, your worth in the sight of Allah SWT would be increased every time.
    Inshallah, you would be better rewarded of your efforts you made in the way of Allah SWT.
    May Allah give us opportunity and success to strive in His way.
    And one last this, it is easy for someone to be born as Saleh, but hopefully Allah worth those who struggles to become Saleh.

  • shahul says:

    Salam alaikum,

    wow ! so many people with the same thoughts of mine (depression, suicidal thoughts etc ) . I am in that case too but i think we are like that because we are in a bad phase of our life since a very long time … one day in sha Allah we will have our part of joy and happiness.
    Actually, we noticed too much the happiness that we desired which is given to others, but we are weak, we are jealous and we will be.
    Allah will give our part of happiness for sure, khuffar are happy out there and we are muslim !
    it’s normal to cry out every night to get angry on Allah till as you consider Him as your best freind.
    We will have our happiness my dears, here or in akhira for sure. forget the world , i hate it too ! but FOCUS on ALLAH ! forget everything try to be intimate with Allah just like with loved ones. Love the Creator beyond his creation… you won’t be heartbroken…

  • Muhamed says:

    Assalamualikum brothers and sisters, I am a 24 year old male and I am struggling with the same problem as Amina. I long for a wife, someone who I can love and cherish and be with and someone who I can be close to but unfortunately I am single and have never had any kind of relationship with a girl, even though I got close to several girls it never worked out I see it as a way for Allah to save me from the sin of committing adultery and accept my faith and whatever Allah has decided for me but I just can’t take it anymore being alone is taking a toll on me just like Amina i am resorting to pornography I have needs sexual as well as emotional needs that are not being met and it’s leading me towards committing sins and I feel really bad afterwards but I just dont know what to do. I don’t see a way out. I would like to request you all to please pray for me that I find a pious, caring, loving wife that not only makes me happy but brings me close to Allah. thank you