Broken By His Sexual Behaviors, Sameer Finally Found Hope

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No matter how far you’ve gone the wrong way, you can always turn around and come back. But Sameer didn’t know how to turn back.

Sameer broke down crying as we sat down to speak. After he had found some composure I asked him to relay to me what had happened that motivated him to reach out to me.

“I broke my wife. Absolutely destroyed her. Wallahi Wallahi Wallahi if I could think of anybody that didn’t deserve what I’ve put her through with my nasty actions it is her. She would wake up and make me breakfast almost every morning before work. On several days she wouldn’t eat lunch herself JUST so I could eat dinner at night. There would never be an instance where she wouldn’t greet me when I came home from work without a hug and smile, her eyes were always so full of life and happiness and joy. She would express her love to me 24/7.

I ruined her. The only sound that has been playing in my head all week is her screaming “What didn’t I do for you? What didn’t I sacrifice for you?” She has gone back to live with her parents and is currently mulling over the decision of whether to stay with me or not, but even then can’t help but to care for me. All she can ever say to me when she isn’t enraged is, “you broke me. wallahi you broke me.” “why did you marry me if you didn’t deserve me?”

How did he get to this place?

His wife had discovered suspicious charges on his credit card statement and upon some research, she was shocked to discover the charges were for massage parlors. Completely broken and devastated, she told Sameer that she was going back to live with her parents and was contemplating leaving him.

This shocking revelation put Sameer in a place of panic and damage control, where he pleaded with his wife to allow themselves to at least speak with a therapist together before she took action to leave him.

The therapist they visited tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and at least carve out the possibility that these were isolated incidents from him and nothing more. She repeatedly asked him again and again, “Had there been any sexual releases at the massage parlors?”

Afraid of the consequences that would come with the truth, Sameer would vehemently deny and swear by God that nothing of that sort had happened.

The only problem was it had happened.

These trips to the massage parlor for sexual purposes was part of a ten-year history with unwanted sexual behaviors which started out with pornography use, masturbation and in recent times evolved over visitations to strip clubs and massage parlors.

I told Sameer, “You’ve been here in this place of pain, perhaps not the same exact circumstances, but you’ve been here many times before. Why are you really here speaking with me now? What is it that you are looking for? You want for things to be better, but what does that mean…that your wife doesn’t leave you? That your life as you know it is not ruined? Why are you here?

Sameer you need to start telling the truth, the whole raw truth.”

And that is the moment where I helped Sameer finally embrace his brokenness.

To begin the process of purification from his unwanted sexual behaviors, Sameer would have to first take full responsibility for his actions and be ready to face whatever the painful and devastating consequences were of his choices.

No matter how difficult, stepping fully into the truth was a necessary rite of passage that needed to happen.

I asked him, “Why was it that you want to recover and do good? Was it because you are in a lot of pain? Do you just want to convince your wife that you are going to change so she does not leave you? Why is it that you really want to change?

What happens if your wife does leave you, will you and I be speaking or working together again? You’ve got to be honest.”

And he did answer honestly, “You know Zeyad, a big part of me I admit is because I don’t want my wife to leave me.” 

There was a pause and then he added,

“I’m also tired of this lifestyle, the secrets, the lies I’ve been telling. I want to be clean.”

I asked him another question,

“What happens when this period of pain or craziness quiets down? Are you going to go back to the same cycle again?”

Even though Sameer was torn about his wife leaving him, and felt stuck within the shock he was facing, he needed to really dig deep in his intentions beyond present circumstances to sustain him through the difficulties that he would be facing.

In the conversation Sameer and I had that day, I invited him to consider that his problems with sex were not about sex and went deeper than that. Sex had become a dependence, a coping mechanism, and an anchor for his life.

Sex was a metaphor of how he had learned to deal with the highs and lows of his life. It was what he turned to numb out and escape from the emptiness and voids from within that he felt.

He needed to be radically honest about everything, not for the sake of his wife, who may very well leave him, but the sake of his own well-being.

Broken.

Sameer had to be broken, so he could dig really deep because what we were talking about was not just about coming clean from unwanted sexual behaviors.

Ultimately, his current life had to break down so he could build himself and his life back upon a much stronger and fulfilling anchor.

That evening, Sameer turned back. He saw the trail of destruction he had created behind him. It was devastating, but he continued to walk feeling for the first time in his life that there was hope, because, for the first time, he wasn’t running away.

  • Fatima says:

    Exactly my story and many other Muslim wives around the world suffering because of their husbands addiction. My husband won’t even let me know he visited the massage centers. Not much can be done by the wife if she has children as husbands like this are quite aggressive. Have left it on Allah and keep praying for him to change and take professIonal help like yours.
    Who can bond or truly love a man who has thousands of other women to look at. That man will never find true happiness and love.
    JzkAllah for the work you are doing in this ummah.

  • Aadil says:

    Assalamaualikum.
    Subhanallah this story relates to me as well. I used to be in a similar place as him but my habits came down once I got married. But my wife eventually did find out and was broken just as Sameer’s wife did. Alhamdulillah my wife didn’t think about leaving me and did give me another chance. I’m now recovering alhamdulilah and have discovered that one of the main reasons that I’m able to do this is that I have a strong reason to recover and that is the fear of my wife knowing again. I would hate for her to find out and be hurt again as she was last time and this is what keeping me from indulging so far alhamdulillah although I do relapse at times but I realize that this is a journey and not a destination. I think Allah swt wanted my wife to find out as that was the only way for me to get better.

  • Adam Salisu says:

    Assalamu alaikum!
    My question is about how a person that start watching porn, abstain from it and stop thinking of sex in isolated moments.

  • Abdisalam says:

    Subhanallah. Amazing story and incredible wife. May ALLAH swt reward her and grant her junatul firdows. Ameen.

  • NoDoubleFaces says:

    Brother as far as he is repenting Allaah will forgive him, yea he might have chosen desires and lusts over knowledge and wisdom apparently, but deep in his heart still lives the same old guy.
    He is just weak in front of his desires, we can’t judge or pass comments that his heart is hardened or by how he makes Dua to Allaah to cure him, Allaah knows what’s in his heart ! Maybe he is more beloved to Allaah than you and me!
    Because hopefully he repents and is certain that Allaah is there to forgive him. Don’t you know the hadith which Allaah smiles at the one who sins and repents constantly knowing that there’s someone who will forgive his mistakes.
    Don’t you know that the prophet said, the one who repents from sins is like the one who has no sins upon him. ??
    Akhi Allaah’s mercy is not limited! It’s actually unlimited!
    And I wish for the brother and ourselves, we will fight back and Allaah will help us stand once again.
    May Allaah help us! Ameen!!!

  • Abdullah says:

    I just have a question !Its really a important one .
    Brother can you say to me from your experience , that what may it take to cure from such evil acts when the person who does them was honoured with knowledge and wisdom of the Book of Allah? This person was broken but Allah fixed him and gave him a high respect in the society . He was well trusted in valuabe matters of Islam , but he gave up all of the gifts of Allah , just to fill his desires ? can you tell what can be his return from Allah?
    I feel that this person is simillar to bani israel who took the covanent of Allah and Didn’t keep it , so Allah cursed them and made their hearts hard as rocks or even harder than that . Has this man’s heart also become hard? , I am saying so because this man prays to Allah to cure him from this decease and destruction but his prayer only comes out of his troat and there is no action he could take against himself to cure him and when he did the results only turns out against him and he fall more and more into the curse…

  • NoDoubleFaces says:

    Assalam alaikum akhi,
    This story is very sad, but has a great moral for all of us. SubhanAllaah how we as addicts leave off everything in our life just to gain a pleasure of 10 seconds.
    Wallahi akhi, life in this manner has no real meaning, its all meaningless. The best part from the above article is that brother Sameer accepted that he has been liying to himself and his wife, in order to reach out to first step of recovery you need to accept the reality and give off your other face!
    Be yourself within yourself and with others!
    Don’t hide something and show something!
    Br. Zeyad you are right, to confront ourselves from situations where we don’t want to be, we rely on sex, porn or anything of that sort. Once we succeed to disassociate the link between the two i.e our worries and the secret habit, we will reach the freedom.
    Jazakallaah khair for the article..
    May Allaah help brother Sameer and get his family back to happiness!! Ameen

  • Sister says:

    Asalam…. Brother zeyad. This story that your telling discribes almost exactly what I’m going through, except I haven’t been strong enough to fight back, when I confronted my husband about what he was up to he went crazy and hit me, in front of my children. I have found evidence on his phone that he has visited massage parlours amongst other things that are suspicious. My children were traumatised by what they saw and my eldest daughter, who is ten years was very badly affected and was becoming depressed and withdrawn. for the children’s sake I gave in and gave up fighting back. I decided that I would let Allah deal with it in the hereafter and would be patient and pray he changes his ways. But now I’m constantly suspicious and can not bond with him in fear of being hurt.
    My husbands first language is Gujarati, do you have information/ literature in Gujarati that you can forward to me. Please forgive me for the long message, hope to hear from you soon. JazakAllah

    • @Sister: Because you have children involved and you mentioned him being violent, please for the sake of your children – don’t cave in and be “patient”. It’s not the right thing to do. Stand up for yourself by getting support. Shoot us an email through the contact us form in sha Allah, there may be someone in particular that I know that works with sisters in similar situations.

  • 123 says:

    That is very sad but hopefully we can all learn lessons from this situation. God gives us many chances but sometimes the only way to bring us back is through breaking us. May Allah help brother Sameer and all those struggling.

  • jama says:

    Thank you brother for your help for all of us.